My Blog

As a user of Marijuana I am completely disgusted with the war on drugs, particularly marijuana. I don’t understand the impulse to regurgitate bogus ‘facts’ about cannibus when there is pretty much an unreported consensus amongst scientists.
The first thing that must be said about marijuana is that it certainly isn’t as bad for you as alcohol (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051027/hl_nm/heavy_drinking_dc_1) or cigarettes.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051026/hl_nm/pot_cancer_dc
http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn8155

So let me paraphrase the last two articles for the people who didn’t read them. Cannibus apparently doesn’t cause cancer like cigarettes and alcohol do, doesn’t ravage your sex organs the way both those drugs do and contrary to traditional thought it actually generates new cell growth in the brain, linked with reducing anxiety and depression. What is the problem here?

The biggest problem with pot is that it is criminalized, ruining people’s lives for doing something that is clearly no worse for you than any other recreational drug that an adult can legally buy. In fact, 771,608 were arrested for marijuana related "crimes" in 2004 the largest number of individuals in a single year. 684,319 were for possession (http://www.drugwarfacts.org/marijuan.htm). These are all numbers that are released proudly by the government and shockingly do not infuriate us, the taxpayers, who fund the $50 billion dollars a year to fight this "war on drugs" (http://www.drugsense.org/wodclock.htm). Marijuana arrests generally make up 50% of drug related offenses, therefore, the government is spending roughly $25 billion dollars a year to fight this drug. It is interesting that with a record national deficit we still manage to make this fight a priority. It is funny that we see stoping a person smoking a joint as worthy of this kind of attention, but we leave our troops in a far off place under-equipped for the battles we put them in. The government portrays the war against pot as a life or death battle, when clearly this battle is perhaps the least urgent facing America. It is entirely irresponsible to overstate the urgency of the war on drugs when there are actual life or death battles going on that politicians do not care about because no one is paying them to give a sh#t.

Oddly enough, when it comes to medical uses, it would appear that unlike cigarettes and alcohol marijuana has legit benefits. The reason pot is illegal, and will remain illegal, is because pharmaceutical companies donate(read: bribe) millions of dollars to powerful politicians to keep marijuana criminalized. Marijuana is incredibly easy plant to grow(believe me I know) and doesn’t require people to pay thousands of dollars a year unlike drugs created in a lab. Marijuana is also a much more effective treatment than many of these expense alternatives. What it comes down to is that if medical marijuana were legal, as Bill Maher says, Prozac would be out of business.

Another infuriating aspect of the war on cannibus are the commercials that associate weed with unrelated negative results. One shows a kid hanging out in his father’s office with a friend, smoking herb, finding a gun than shooting his friend. It’s interesting that in this country we choose to blame the weed rather than the access kids have to guns in our society or the lack of parenting. Another commercial shows a group of teens ‘hotboxing’ their car and accidentally running over a girl on a bike as they leave a drive through. Yes, you obviously shouldn’t drive when you smoke marijuana,  but you can’t drive when you drink alcohol either or even when you take certain over-the-counter medications that make you drowsy, yet the government still allows people access to both recreational and medicinal drugs that impair the mind far greater than cannibus. Another commercial shows a toddler falling in a pool, presumably after being neglected by a stoned babysitter. The same principle applies to this commercial: would you let someone drink while watching your child? No? Then please explain the logic of this commercial. The truth is there is an appalling lack of logic. The government’s war on marijuana is simply guilt by association.

On a more abstract level marijuana, like many drugs, stiumlates parts of the brain that are never or infrequently used. Marijuana leads people to ask questions, which I understand many people are afraid of. Why are we here? What obligations do we have to each other? What can we do to make this world a better place? To me these are questions that are often associated with idealists and the counterculture and to be honest, they threaten the status quo in many ways. Many people stand to lose if human beings choose to honor their obligation to alieviate the suffering of billions around the world. Isn’t it funny that the people that deny human evolution also try to prevent the evolution of society and civilization?

I am not a proponent of recreational drug abuse, but there needs to be some consistency in the laws. Even making alcohol and cigarettes illegal would make more sense than the current situation. People will continue to smoke marijuana regardless of the laws and to me it is shocking that people are so ignorant to he truth that they allow billions of dollars to be wasted. It’s your money, demand that it is spent wisely.

A personal reflection on the illegality of the Iraq war

It’s interesting to browse political debates on
message boards such as this because you truly get a sense of how
ignorant many people are in this country. Where to begin? For starters,
the fact that oil influenced Mr. Bush’s decision to invade Iraq is
completely provable, but nonetheless, irrelevant. Donald Rumsfeld, Paul
Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby and 12 other members of the Bush
administration are members of a conservative think tank called "Project
for a New American Century(PNAC)that had been lobbying President
Clinton to invade Iraq since 1998. In fact, the aforementioned
individuals SIGNED a letter to Bill Clinton in 1998 stating that Saddam
Hussein would pose a threat to the U.S., its Middle East allies and OIL
RESOURCES if he succeeded in obtaining weapons of Mass Destruction. So
the argument that oil did not play a role in the decision to go to war
in Iraq is disproven in writing by nearly the entire administration.

When Dick Cheney and the rest of the neocons came to power all they
needed was a motive to go into Iraq. In September 2000, PNAC issued a
90 page report called "Rebuilding America’s Defenses" essentially
arguing America needs to fight wars on foreign soil to maintain our
superpower status. A line frequently quoted from Rebuilding America’s
Defenses famously refers to the possibility of a "catastrophic and
catalyzing event — like a new Pearl Harbor" (page 51). This quote
appears in Chapter V, entitled "Creating Tomorrow’s Dominant Force",
which discusses the perceived need for the Department of Defense to
"move more aggressively to experiment with new technologies and
operational concepts” (page 50). The full quote is as follows:
"Further, the process of transformation, even if it brings
revolutionary change, is likely to be a long one, absent some
catastrophic and catalyzing event – like a new Pearl Harbor."

Hmm…what happened between September 2000 and September 2002 that
fits that description? The neocons were so excited by 9/11 I would
imagine they nearly shat themselves and most likely that incontinent
*beep* Rumsfeld did. They knew they could equate terrorism with Iraq
even though before the U.S. invaded Iraq in 2003, Osama Bin Laden/Al
Queda and Saddam Hussein had almost no ties with one another. The chaos
that followed the poorly organized invasion allowed foreign Al Queda
fighters to move in and operate in a completely destablized
environment.

Read the Downing Street Memo. Written by Richard Dearlove, the head of the MI6(British CIA) it’s quoted as saying:

"Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified
by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts
WERE BEING FIXED AROUND THE POLICY. The NSC had no patience with the UN
route…It seemed clear that Bush had made up his mind to take military
action, even if the timing was not yet decided. But the case was thin.
Saddam was not threatening his neighbours, and his WMD capability was
less than that of Libya, North Korea or Iran."

Let me remind you that Tony Blair has tacitly validated this
document and not one member of Bush’s or Blair’s administration has
ever denied it’s contents.

Forget the international community being ignored, which many would
argue is a crime in itself, the American public was completely misled.
Regardless of what "everybody thought" it is the PRESIDENT’S
responsibility to verify the facts justifying the war before engaging.
I’m sorry, the office comes with a certain level of responsibility and
culpability for mistakes. This argument for this war was the equivalent
of a high schooler writing a research paper on "Huckleberry Finn" by
claiming Mark Twain was a racist before reading the book, then quickly
thumbing through and presenting only the evidence that suited their
thesis. The scientific method of posing a question, gathering facts
then forming a hypothesis was completely ignored. Although given Bush’s
relationship with science is this at all surprising?

When the war in Iraq is over, the United States will have spent
$500 billion dollars, 3000 American soliders will be dead and there
will be an overwhelming anti-American sentiment around the world. Now I
know conservatives don’t care much about what "Furanurs" think of us,
but keep in mind that we do share this planet with 6 billion other
people. We illegaly invaded Iraq at the expense of our own rights as a
soverign nation. Who would possibly defend us if China decided that
they wanted to unilaterally invade us? Perhaps sometimes shamelessly
pursuing our national interest isn’t the right strategy. In fact,
imagine for a second we had spent billions of dollars funding renewable
energy projects like existing solar energy plants in the Mojave desert.
It is estimated that a mere 100 square miles of solar powered turbines
could completely erase our dependence on foreign oil. You know how much
that would cost? Neither do I, but I assure you significantly less
money than is being spent in Iraq and infinitely less lives. You know
why it’s not being done? Because the most powerful people in the United
States are not leaders. They are business people, specifically oil
business people (Cheney-Halliburton, Rice-Chevron, Bush-Spectrum,
Harken, ETC.).

What interests me is that George Bush is still immensly popular
amongst working class poor people particularly in the south. The man
was raised in Greenwich, Conneticut the richest, WASPiest town in the
United States, he is not a southerner and certainly not a Texan. Aside
from that he completely abuses the lower class by introducing
unnecessary tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans, no less in a time
of war when our troops are completely ill-equiped for the situation he
put them in. He cripples the economy giving many poor people no other
realistic alternative other than joining the military. He starts a war
and dwells on the importance of courage, yet he himself was too
chickensht to fight for his country. He’s more concerned with two guys
holding hands than the fact that 80 Americans die everyday from gun
violence or that the rate of death from firearms is 12 times higher
than the average of all other industrialized nations. He’s more
concerned with preventing terminally ill people from ending their lives
with some dignity, than appointing qualified people to positions that
affect the lives of literally millions of people. He practices cronyism
because his whole life has been the result of nepotism and croynism.

America should be a reality, not a dream. Stop buying the promises
that Bush assures you are around the corner. He has never delivered and
never will. America should be a place that leads by example, not by
force. Stop living in a fantasy world, George W. Bush is bad for
America.

Recently, the validity of
evolution as a scientific fact has been challenged by a group of religious
fundamentalists despite several decades of consensus amongst the actual
scientific community. While the “debate” disturbs and, more accurately, offends
me, the issue is merely part of an endless crusade that religious
fundamentalists have waged against science and reason since the days of Jesus.

 Christianity
struggled as a religion for hundreds of years following Jesus’ death. The religion
remained illegal until (insert date here) when (insert name of emperor) could no longer suppress Christianity, which
had thrived for years as a popular underground cult throughout the Roman
Empire, that this changed. Legalizing Christianity did not have the affect
(emperor) anticipated. Over several generations, Christianity came to be not
only the predominate religion in the Western world, but the establishment of
the church with an emperor of its own, the Pope, became more powerful than the
government. For nearly a thousand years, the church manipulated society and
particularly science to protect its self-empowering doctrine.

 The loyalty of its members was directly
related to a series of claims that while of dubious historical accuracy became
scientifically impossible as science evolved. Using a strictly interpreted
passage of the Bible that argues Jesus does indeed champion revenge and
totalitarianism, the Pope silenced, banished and slaughtered(in a Godly way)
anyone whose ideas undermined the faith of the masses. Apparently the irony was
just too abstract for the Pope, although in all fairness if ever a violent
oppression was justified, come on! Nonetheless, it’s reassuring to see that the
church has moved on to the victimless crime of raping children 1500 years on.
The mutineers of this most sacred of bounties were scientists whose unpartisan,
educated, but most importantly truthful ideas jeopardized the control this
corrupt institution crafted through misinformation and fear. They discredited the
church with ideas like the earth was more than several thousand years old, that
the earth goes around the sun and that a fart can be lit on fire because of
methane and not “the breath of the devil.” They argued Pious XI wasn’t a stern
hardliner, he was just a drunk. Even he admitted that he was best in the 3-6
Chalice of Christ blood range and after that he just got out of control.

 The
rise of the church is curious because of the influence the institution still
exerts over American society today. The weapon of choice for the church remains
fear, albeit divine rather than the fear of bodily harm that the organization
bullied in the past. The fight against the notion of the evolution of our
species is part of the church’s larger battle against the evolution of
society. Civilization is bears many
similarities to each of us as a living organism. A human being for example has
vital organs that work in conjunction and are the subsistence of the creature.
Similarly a society has large cities such as New York or Boston that play a
vital role in economic health and cultural vibrancy. A person has many parts of
their body such as fingernails and hair, that while perhaps vestigial are
common to most organisms, the way a nation has suburbs. Organisms have a brain
to make rational decisions, our civilization has Washington D.C. Undoubtedly,
some people are slower than others. Organisms of the universe have genitals and
our civilization has Las Vegas. The point is that all these things have
developed with time as have the people of this earth. To use a very simple
example, if you walk into a house built hundreds of years ago the doorways and
ceilings tend to be incredibly low suggestion people were shorter. Few people
know this but Jesus was most likely only 5 or 6 inches tall. He was crucified
on what today would be two t-boned Popsicle sticks.

 The church’s situation is more perilous than ever because of their
archaic and essentially non-scientific approach to the problems of the world.
“Be charitable to the poor,” decrees the Pope to thousands of cheering revelers
in St. Peter’s Square. “Love thy neighbor, Jesus tells us,” he continues. Yeah,
no shit brother. Thanks for the revolutionary ideas your holiness and to think,
I was just about to feed my sandwich to a seagull in front of this guy.
Personally, it seems more logical to put faith in institutions that analyze
problems and think of an appropriate plan of action based on reason and
scientific know how. People dying from a lack of water are going to be a lot
better off by installing a deep well rather than the Pope reading a passage
from Luke and asking God pretty please if this time he will help out. Guess
what you moron, he hasn’t helped out in the past and he’s not going to help out
in the future. We’re in this alone. I’m not even opposed to prayer or at least
meditation when it comes to some kind of God, but cowering in the face of a
problem and begging for him to bail you out is the ultimate cop out. Christians
of all people should know this, one of the main points behind the story of
Jesus being tortured is to show, God isn’t going to help you out down here guy
even if you are his son. God gave us a brain and while some people use it to
rationally solve our earthly problems, billions of people have wasted their brainpower
creating and observing sanctimonious and ostentatious rituals. Listen he’s God.
If he exists, he fucking created you and he understands you appreciate that. A
simple thank you would do. He’s fucking
God, anything you could possibly think he already knows and he knows your just
faking it to get on Heaven’s guestlist. The problem with religion is that it
makes people feel indebted to God and like you owe him something when you
don’t. You might owe other people something because of our mutual existence on
this planet, but you had no choice in God creating you, he did it on his own
accord.

 What
shocks me about religion in the United Sates is that an alarming number of
people who claim to be religious are also socially conservative. They take the
message of Jesus, the world’s most popular hippie, and manipulate it into a
narrow minded, sexist, homophobic, version of their own personal beliefs. And
much like the Popes, Emperors, dictators and totalitarians that came before
them, they are doing it to protect their status. And like those who tried
before, they will fail. As the Christian agenda and the Republican agenda have
become more interwoven, the word freedom has become essential to both. The
right wing agenda certainly is bringing freedom to the world, but it’s freedom
on their terms. It’s the freedom that inexplicably prevents two homosexuals
from getting married, the freedom that entitles the privileged to maintain
their lifestyle by denying the poor access to education and healthcare, the
freedom that promotes a pro-life stance but refuses to fund medical research
that would save millions of lives because of personal religious beliefs, the
freedom that allows me to own dozens of semi automatic handguns but denies an
individual the right to smoke marijuana in the privacy of their own home, the
freedom that allows states to live by their own will until diverges from our
vision for them and ours alone. The word freedom is a completely bullshit
Republican word. The crutch of society is that people sacrifice certain
freedoms to live a more comfortable life. We sacrifice our right to revenge by
trusting in a fair justice system, we sacrifice our right to some of our income
when we agree to a tax system that adequately covers the costs of living in a
pleasant society, and we sacrifice the freedom of making choices by electing to
power representatives who we trust to make from our will. The word the
Republicans forget is justice, specifically social justice. Does the freedom of
America’s wealthy and elite imperil justice for the nation’s poor? Absolutely.
Does America’s freedom to make unilateral decisions completely erode
international confidence and hope in the United States? Unquestionably. Do the
free beliefs of religious zealots deny other American’s the right to pursue
decisions that in no way affect other human beings? Yes and it is wrong. I
believe that Christianity does fundamentally promote social justice
unfortunately it is clear that Christian fundamentalism does not.

Are you serious
about power cleans? Oh really, you could have fooled me! You’re doing them all
wrong. I know we weren’t talking and it seemed as though you were specifically
avoiding eye contact with me but I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Hold on
let me take off my headphones blasting Pantera loud enough for Hellen Keller to
hear it deaf, dead and buried six feet below the fucking ground. What’s that?
You don’t like Pantera? You’re the one cheating on your power squats, I’m not
so sure we should be trusting your opinion now. Let me waddle over there, in
the bizarre weightlifter walk that you only get after lifting for as long as I
have. 11 years. You were about to ask? No? Well that’s how long I’ve been at
this. Well aside from the 7 year gap spent turning gay tricks living out of an
El Camino in a Carl Jr.’s parking lot to finance my addiction to cocaine and
morphine. Check out my shirt! I work out so hard it’s got fucking holes in it!
It is made from recycle fishnet stockings. Look at my nipples sticking through
it. You could drill for oil with these bad boys. Let’s do a set of flies, and
try to watch your breathing on this one, you’re embarrassing me here. You think
I do steroids? ANSWER ME! All natural baby! I wake up in the morning eat 15
eggs, drink 5 milkshakes throughout the day made from a 20 pound tub of powder
amino acids, 2 pounds of bludgeoned tuna for lunch and a 40 ounce steak with a
side of protein tablets for dinner. All natural! The acute pain in my kidneys
and virtually solid mucus like urine tells me I’m doing what it takes. How
about you? Your piss ever have the consistency of play dough? Nah, well you’re
obviously doing it all wrong then. Grab your weight belt and let’s do some dead
lifts! You don’t have a weightbelt? You’d rather forego the weightbelt and lift
sensibly with weight that can’t potentially rupture your spleen or crack a disc
in your back? How do you expect to see results if you aren’t willing to push
your body to the brink of exhaustion and your brain to the point of having an
aneurysm? I’m dedicating myself to lifting full time now, I dropped my job
working as a security guard at the Target in the Densington Strip Mall. Well,
I’m still bouncing part time during the Friday night happy hour at Chili’s to
pay for this latest cycle of Andro. I guess things were pretty rough before
they called me in there. Where are you going? You’re heads not in this at all
is it? You’re not willing to put in the bare minimum 35 hours a week to get
started are you? “OOoOOO I’ve got a girlfriend and a steady job and friends and
interests.” That was my imitation of you. What do you think? Spot on. Look at
this, I think I know what the ladies want. They are willing to overlook the
backne, persistently flaccid penis, shriveled testicles and naired scrotum when
you have pecs like these. So you really are going after an hour? Well I’ll be
here when you get back.

I have a notorious problem with authority. From my parents growing up, to the police in high school, to the government when they informed me specifically that my drug habit is empowering the insurgent gorillas in the mountains of Columbia, to most recently the boss in any position I have ever been unfortunate enough to hold. I will never take orders from another person; the destiny of D.T. Fernandes is not for sale. I particularly have difficult taking orders from overweight individuals, specifically my overweight boss who is definitely checking in as a heavy weight at wrestling meets. My boss is aggressively confident. She acts the way I think I would act if I lost a limb. "Should I be an asshole? Fuck it, I don’t have a god damn arm, everything’s lost, the world is mine." Not getting laid makes a man incredibly mental and I would imagine for a chick it’s pretty much the same thing. I speculate that my boss isn’t getting laid too much. I’m not sure about social trends in Portugal, but I am skeptical that there are many people with a penchant for 350 pound woman and the neccessary exploratory equipment to find her pussy. Needle in a haystack isn’t the best analogy, but it’s certainly the first that comes to mind. Christ you’d need a geiger counter just to locate the general area and a Nepalese sherpa to carry your gear. Why should I believe that someone that doesn’t have the selfcontrol to weigh 3 times as me will have the self control to be in charge of me? I certainly would be fired if I didn’t shave, stopped douching my asshole, neglected  my personal hygiene and came in completely shattered every day. I’m sorry but you can lose control of your personal hygiene in a mere few hours of alcohol or drug induced nonsense. It takes years of carelessness and denial to allow yourself to get yourself to the point where you need the extra attachment for the seatbelt on a plane.
Another thing that bothers me about my boss is that she comments on sports with a completely false sense of authority. I am reticent to permit even attractive, athletic girls give their two cents about professional sports. Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but that doesn’t make it any less ill informed or ridiculous and regardless if you are an attractive girl I can assure you that regardless of how intelligent your opinion is on anything guys will always just assume you achieved anything you did because of your looks. Working for the Patriots fr two seasons there was nothing more pathetic than an overweight New England minger in an XL Tom Brady jersey pounding Miller Lites and consuming Italian sausage like they were about to hibernate after the game. Don’t get me wrong I like athletic girls but I also like feminine girls, as straight men tend to. Yes maybe I’m just threatened and perhaps there are some girls that can actually understand sports as well as men, but to me the equivalent of Bonnie Bernstein as a sideline reporter is John Madden serving as the CEO and product engineer of Tampax. I’m sure he is capable of learning what is required to do a good job, but there is something slightly off about the idea.

Some of you will probably notice that I am late entering the office
today. Undoubtedly you pass your nights spellbound by my prose,
eagerly anticipating my next correspondence. "David" your high
pitched, quasi h0mosesual voice shrieks "praytell your experience of
this weekend or fin de semana as they say." Very well, we shall begin
this story from a point of my choosing, much of the exposition
summarized to spare you the tedious details.

I regained consciousness somewhere around 1 PM sunday afternoon after
consuming a theoretically lethal dose of equal parts m@rijuana and
@lcohol. Despite the most noble of efforts, indeed I was still alive
an living as we all do: Alone, frightened and downright h0rny. I came
to my sense briefly after bathing and smoking a m@rijuana cigarette. A
note I had attempted to compose at the height of my dementia the
previous night was nearly illegible, although after careful analysis
it was an aborted attempt to remind me of the football match between
Chelsea and Arsenal to be played that very afternoon at Stamford
Bridge. I was excited, but at the same time introspective: "Dost I
imbibe?" Yes. "Dare I leave my layer, nay my cocoon, of m@sturbation
and excess?" Yes. "Did I soil my sheets in a moment that you would be
hard pressed to differentiate from the last 15 minutes of the Chris
Farley, E True Hollywood Story?" Uh, no…

Near to 2 PM I stumbled into an Irish pub advertising Premiership and
alcohol. It was one of my more comforting moments as I gazed upon a
group of colossal F0ck-ups that assured me no, I still had a long way
to go to rock bottom. Before I positioned myself at the bar, I paid a
visit to the water closet and attempted a self-induced vomit. I´ll
leave you hanging as to the result of this attempt, regardless moments
later I retook my seat with only 3 hours to sneak in a session before
the game was underway. I began by ordering a heavenly full Irish
breakfast and a pint of Guiness. I ate like a vagabond unsure of his
next meal. The food inhaled I continued to indulge in the black stuff
watching the Bolton Wanders squander a game they surely had to a
fortunate Everton side. Within an hour I rationalized that if I am
going to drink a beverage that is 4% alcohol I might as well just give
up and go home. I might be a lot of things, but I am not a quitter.
Well I am, but certainly not when it comes to proving I can drink more
than you. An executive order was given from whatever it is in my head
that makes decisions to commence the gin drinking. Beefeater
specifically.

The details of the next two hours are entirely inconsequential. It was
a period of my life, like so many others, inarguably and literally spent
wasted, observing the pub grow evermore crowded and lively. There
wasn´t one person I did not want to punch in the teeth, spare the
steroid fueled Frenchman who verbally sparred with me in language I
refuse to acknowledge. The contest itself was forgettable. A 1-0
decision to Chelsea on a fortuante goal by an overhyped negr0 from the
Ivory Coast. I felt robbed. I felt cheated. My only recourse was the
drink. She held me, stroked my hair as I lay, figuratively, in the
fetal position sucking at the te@t of this miserable world. The c()nt
tricked me into believing things would work out, that things would
unravel in a comprehendible way and that in the end I would be ok, or
at least too deluded to know otherwise. Those hours, like the many I
have spent before and will spend again, numb to the world, impervious
to our painful reality, reintroduced me to the only friend I will ever
really know. The friend living deep within myself. An individual so
wretched, grotesque and certainly not meant for this world. He is
honest, terrible and beautiful. His words speak of a logic so
depraved, so utterly horrific it can be nothing but true. He speaks
infrequently, there is no need, his presence alone coaxes action. I
ask the question and my friend, well he gives me the answer I want to
motherfo\ucking hear. His honesty is both brutish unequivocally
commanding. His voice, howling and maniacal, is intolerable. It is
quiet, simple and haunting. When he speaks one wishes nothing but for
it to stop. When it stops one languishes at the thought of never
hearing his song again. He breeds a healthy fear, one that to the
casual viewer is anything but welcoming, but to those who follow is
warming. I kneel before his altar, pay due worship and command my soul
into his unfaltering hands.

Several hours later my friend left me, mysterious as to where his
travels would take him or when he would return. My arguments turned to
pleading, but to no avail. He is once again gone, although in the
afternoon sun I catch his eye in the reflection of the offices along
the avenues. He stares at me through the mirror. His image makes me
want to rip out my eyes and throw them to the bottom of the deepest
ocean. I fear nothing more than his return and yet I anticipate his
arrival. His hideous torment grounds me, unleashing all the thoughts
that have passed this machine trapped within my skull. His presence
continues to burn a fire within my chest like an inestimable number of
candles glowing on the blackest night. I am an animal, he is my
sustenance. I am a machine, he is the electronic current passing
through my veins. I am a spaceship, he is the hydrogen fuel exploding
infinitely propelling me to a place beyond this world. You might not
understand this mindlessness, this enduring freedom he offers, but it
is alluring beyond resistence. I needn´t deny myself any longer.

Several hours later I awoke with an electronic mail from a Madridlena
inquiring about my plans for the evening. "The drink, methinks,"
seemed like a suitable response so an encounter was arranged. At 10 PM
my body carried this creature I have become to Puerta del Sol, where
upon arriving a golden skinned dame pulled on my arm. Initially I was
struck at her appearance and a less innebriated self may have
experienced what is known as intimidation. I decided it was she that
was to be intimidated by the specimen of a man who slouched before
her. I held her gaze and demanded that she always be the one to look
away. When we passed through a romantic square I went to kiss her in a
manner that was too idyllic to deny. We sat in Plaza Mayor oblivious
to the harrassing vagrants that litter that otherwise fine square. I
intentionally butchered my Spanish, as a response to her pathetic
English. Several times I offered to bet I could drink faster than her,
and although she never accepted I would instantaneously finish
whatever happened to be in my hand at the time. At her suggestion we
inched closer and closer to my apartment and the inevitable romp that
would follow.

We returned to my spread and, although work loomed not but 6 hours
later, we proceeded to get intimate on my Balcony overlooking the
city. Despite her concerns that someone might be watching, I reassured
her, albeit somewhat dishonestly, that it was just us. Truth be told,
not only do I hope my neighbors observed that splendor, but would
offer serious pesetas to anyone that could produce documentation of
this "event."

The morning arrived as usual and I took a long shower as she lay
barely clothed in my bed. I dressed in my suit and dolled myself up
only to be coerced into another round. My shirt wrinkled and my boxer
briefs stained, we showered again and left the apartment. I arrived an
hour late to work to no notable reception. My boss remains missing as
does my responsibility and ambition.

" Sometimes when I’m flying over the Alps I think, ‘That’s all the cocaine I sniffed. Somebody once calculated that spent 70 million dollars every 20 months in the 80s. What for?…amongst other things cocaine’"
-Elton John

So I’ll admit to it…I have an internet girlfriend. I know, I know, but this one is different. She is from Romania! Her name is Preda and don’t ask me how you pronounce that. Unlike most people we don’t let the trivial things, like knowing each others names, obstruct our undistorted love. I’ve never been to Romania and do not plan on going unless it is to barter with her parents for her sexual rights. I’m not quite sure how old she is…but one would think they have more pressing matters in Romania than the age of consent. Right? RIGHT? OH DEAR GOD TELL ME I’M RIGHT! sorry.  She is only able to make the commute to the nearest town with internet from her village once every month. The mountainous terrain, lack of clean drinking water and constant threat of Khazak bandits renders the journey arduous. Go back and look at my pitures: can you blame her! She waits in line nearly the whole day, generally in driving rain to send me a message or two.

"dier dayvedd. zo vwery coled. Fmailys last kow dyed, we not no how ate untul may fada bak from big citi. pluz to rescoo mee."

oh Preda!! You never cease to bring a smile to my face.

"Dier Dayved, mistirious lomps growth fram myed bosom. I feers i not well. i comes bak 30 day fur u."

oh Preda!! We certainly do have some laughs!

I promised Preda I will rescue her from "the EvIl DiCtAtOr!" OoOoOoOoO! in exchange for a couple naked(completely classy) shots of her and her sister. From what I understand they are pretty much sharing clothing as it is anyway so they are pretty used to seeing and occasionally rubbing up against each others people parts. She told me she "send me…many leu notes" if the post service ever gets running again. I’m not holding my breath Preda! The exchange rate is 30,000 to 1, I hope you have a big piggy bank. But seriously, love knows no boundaries, and neither do you morals under abject poverty. This chick says she’s willing to do anything! I’m not sure if she really understands the mechanics of a Cleveland Steamer, maybe the meaning is lost in translation. Perhaps the name Gheorghe Gheorghiu-De Steamer would be more appropriate. Invoulntary servitude doesn’t look half bad does it now! Well Preda, it won’t be long now! The travel ban to your country has been lifted and it’s looking like one year and 5 brutal dictators from now you may be fortunate enough to be tight in my arms. Only then will you realize how much you were missing Romania.

Hey there!

Remember how you are obsessed with me? I bet you are reading this right now, you know how I know? Because you are crazy about me and it’s a little bit creepy. No. It’s actually incredibly creepy. Please stay away from me.

Best Regards,

D. T. Fernandes

Yes, I have a stalker. Well, I wouldn’t say all out sneaking-into-my-house-and-stealing-my- underwear-to-smell-them-and-potential-wear-them type of stalker, but I think that is because fortunately she is thousands of miles away. I’m not sure the extent of the stalking, but it has not reached the female equivalent of Marky Mark in "Fear." Yet.  I always thought having a stalker would be fabulous, but let me assure you it is unbelievably annoying and at points downright bizarre. To be fair, I did hook up with this individual and yes I will acknowledge that I am irrestible. But it most also be known that the couple times I actually did I was incredibly drunk and did it because I am a man and by definition incessantly horny. Like any of my male counterparts out there my insatiable sexual appetite results in some poor decision making. Adding alcohol into the equation makes things exponentially worse. I cannot recall one actual conversation I have had with this person, yet she apparently "will never stop dreaming of me," and "just wants me to come back to her." Uh, what? What the shit are you talking about? After numerous attempts to explain logically that I was not interested in her in ANY way I simply stopped communicating with her. Several years later the message has not settled in. I am writing this because I know she will read it and hopefully will realize how she is wasting her life away.

The whole situation has made me skeptical of relationships. I think in my lifetime I have met three girls who I actually thought I could love and I never told any of them. Mainly because I fear becoming what my stalker has become to me. Yes I think love probably exists and it definitely is complicated, but it shouldn’t be scary and borderline dangerous. It should be mutual, warm and happy. I hope that everyone finds it and believe that we can if we look in the right questions. So stalker, off! You won’t find what you are looking for here. I wish you the best with someone you love but more importantly someone who loves you too. That person is out there somewhere, but once again I assure you it is not the person writing this. Do it for yourself. Live your life.

Today is my last day in the city of London. I think what I’ll miss most are the random and frequent bombings. Personally I think London is an overrated place, certainly doesn’t even crack my top ten in terms of favorite cities in the world. People who defend London still cling to the glamourous  days when England was the center of the world. Yes I’d imagine in the days of the British Empire London was the place to be. Unfortunately, present day England is overpriced, relatively boring, apparently filled with crazy Islamists, and shockingly devoid of the conveniences(ATMs, supermarkets, decent restaurants) of places like New York or even Boston. England pretty much ruled the entire world but once Northern Ireland goes back to Ireland the countries major colonial holding will be the Falkland Islands. I will bet you an hour of dirty sex you couldn’t point the Falkland Islands out on a map. I certainly can’t and I am definitely smarter than you. The saving grace is that similar to Los Angeles attractive women flock to the city like Muslims on a Hajj to Mecca. Beautiful women drawn to the largest financial center in the world, in search of a free ride. Hey, I can’t blame them either…I wish I were rich enough to buy love and happiness or at least mitigate some of the pain of sucking, but indeed I have no tangible skills nor the ambition to do anything other than complain. I think visiting London gives you a different perception of this place as opposed to actually living here, if you aren’t pulling in the money you sure as hell aren’t going to be pulling in the consensual sex. Granted London is filled with quirks that make it pretty charming. For example it is the only place I have been where it would be acceptable to walk into a club covered in blood, but banned from entering because you are wearing the wrong shoes. As much as both sides hate to admit it, London is incredibly similar to the United States. Yes there are obvious difference, but the two places are similar to Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, you could probably tell them apart, but you could call one the other and no one could really blame you. Overall, I will miss London, but not enough to ever come back to live unless some day down the line I have enough money to buy the girl of my dreams.

Bo! Comin’ at ya like Cleopatra, big up to the West Staines Masive.

Giving purpose to your otherwise meaningless life, I have decided to write a blog. No, it will not be interesting, thoughtful or well written.  Indeed this column will have no redeeming qualities. Nonetheless, dear reader, you are encouraged to trudge forward.

July 11, 2005
Location: London England

For those of you unfamilar with my history let me give you the exposition you need: I was born, wasted tons of time and money in school, drank heavily and ended up the 23 year old man-child with no tangible skills that speaks to you today. I am in London now, but do not live here. In fact, I do not really live anywhere at this point, I’m just a meandering soul   cursed to a life of wander. This blog will be short just to point out a few things that need to come to your attention. The first thing being, have you ever seen a picture with more homosexual undertones than this one
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorenzo_Lamas
I can’t imagine the amount of cocaine these two must have done together. Someone needs to throw together a documentary on the seedy personalities of low-budget action movies. I’m thinking the result would be something along the lines of "Spinal Tap" meets the last hour of "Boogie Nights." Or maybe it would just be like the movie "Wonderland" without the quadruple homocide.  And to answer your questions, yes I find Lorenzo Lamas oddly intriguing. After seeing that picture of him with the Muscles from Brussels I am shocked that this man has only been married 5 times as has Van Damme, the self proclaimed "Fred Astaire of Karate."  On a side note, www.wikipedia.org is an incredible site. It is difficult to think of something that exists that they do not have a page or a link for. It is an unbelievable resource for killing time or settling any kind of argument. My favorite part about this site: When have you ever used an encyclopedia that had an entry for "Cleveland Steamer(along with literally hundreds of other deviant sexual manuevers)?" If that weren’t enough when you go to these pages you not only learn about what they entail, but also interesting bits of trivia such as this: "Najeh Davenport, the Green Bay Packers
backup running back, may have been attempting a variation on the
Cleveland Steamer shortly after he was drafted by the Packers in 2002.
He was arrested for allegedly defecating in his girlfriend’s closet.
Efforts to nickname him ‘the Steamer’ both for this act and for his
bruising running style have not been successful." Incredible. Believe me if you haven’t used this website before you are in for an absolute treat.

For a midget there’s the deep end…and the really deep end.